Welcome to my new blog the Journey of Ammaya.
Before I begin I feel it necessary to reference the predecessor to this blog. I stopped updating some time ago primarily because of the cluttered space I was in mentality. I had allowed myself to reach a stagnant point in my life because I was either too scared to deeply explore my future possibilities or afraid of what people would think if I actually admitted I did not know what I wanted to do with my life.
So before I go on I feel I should reference the earlier blog this on is replacing. If you would like to read more there please click the following link:
http://adayinthelifeofaustin.blogspot.com/
This new installation of writings takes a look into my life as a new chapter begins for me. For nearly 5 years I have identified my life with working in the field of HIV prevention. I started doing the work before I was finished with college. In the last year I have felt a tugging in my spirit to begin searching for a different purpose or my true purpose. I have fought this feeling because admittedly my identity was wrapped up in the work I was doing. I would even go as far to say I may even have believed it would not be possible for me to be Austin without attaching or creating a personal identity interwoven or dependant on my professional one.
This can be a real problem when your own personal identity begins to wrestle with being in a symbiotic relationship with the professional identity. The issue was Austin as a person had another desire, another dream, another want that had been suppressed for some time.
I pushed it to the back burner over and over and over again because it was not what I was "supposed to do". It was not the "smart" thing to do according to what people were telling me. I was supposed to go to college, graduate and get a good job and be happy and excited to have accomplished those things. By doing this you make your parents proud and you pay your bills. You are then supposed to get married, have some kids, save up for retirement and live the American dream.
The problem is my dreams did not lie in America they were on the African continent. For years I have been fascinated by all things that are connected with the continent of Africa. From movies to television shows to just looking it up on my own. I have felt a pull for some time to travel to a country there to live and do work in some way.
Almost 6 years ago I decided to pursue this dream of living and working in a country on the African continent. At the time I was working for a collection agency and would soon after start working in HIV prevention at the Nebraska AIDS Project in Omaha.
At the time I was also working as a youth minister in my church in Omaha. I realized I wanted to continue to do some sort of ministry work as well as continue my work in HIV prevention and education somewhere in Africa.
As I searched for opportunities on the African continent. I discovered an organization with a program for young college age individuals. The program was set up so a group of 18-24 year old college students would live together in a house in another country and do missionary work together with the help of the umbrella organization.
I was immediately drawn to the sites the organization had in Kenya and Swaziland. Both seemed like they would be a perfect fit for me. I completed the application process which included the online application, and a series of phone interviews. After the entire process I was called and given the choice of either living in Nairobi, Kenya or in Swaziland. After considering all of my options for a few days I chose Kenya. I was set to leave in January of 2005 and I would live in Kenya for 9 months. I had to raise $5000 plus a plane ticket to make the trip happen. Luckily at the time my church organization at the time agreed to help me raise the funds.
What I found at the time was mentally I was not ready to go to Kenya. People in my life began to tell me it was not what I needed to do or what I was supposed to be doing at the time and I listened. I don't blame anyone for discouraging me because something in me had to accept it. Something within me had to take what was being said and internalize it to make it my truth. The fact is some part of me felt like going to Kenya was not what I was "supposed to do" as I said earlier. It wasn't the "smart" thing to do.
So I pressed on and got into multiple relationships over time. I graduated from college and eventually moved to Seattle. I had the idea in my mind eventually maybe I would get to do some HIV prevention work in Africa. I would go to graduate school and then find a "good" job (what does that even mean) working and living in Kenya or South Africa for a short amount of time. Then I thought I just wanted to go for a visit at some point. Just visit the continent for a vacation for a couple of weeks and then come home and get back to doing what I was “supposed” to do.
With pressing on and considering vacationing to a country on the continent I still wasn’t happy. The real desire and calling pulled at my soul. The calling to do more by living and working in an African nation for an extended period of time.
So a few years back I reconnected with someone I knew from my days when I lived in Pennsylvania from 1999-2000. When we reconnected on MySpace we he was living in Arizona but spoke about visiting Ghana and his plans to return there to live and work.
We talked in great detail about his Ghanaian experience, and about his plans to return to Ghana to live there. His experiences in Ghana intrigued me, but admittedly, I was somewhat put off by the idea of him leaving his job and his home to go live there just because he felt called to do it. In truth my problem probably had more to do with my own desire to do the same thing. The old “dream deferred” right?
A little over a year ago he made his dream come true and he moved to Accra, Ghana. We kept in touch while he was in Ghana. Hearing about his experiences and looking at his pictures online really pulled at me more. He returned to the states in May for a brief visit and I decided to inquire about how I could visit him in Ghana once he went back.
I began the conversation just to inquire about a potential visit, but then I wanted to know how he came to live in Ghana. What steps he had taken and how it all came together for him. As he told me about getting a visa and the money needed for living expenses I realized it was something I could potentially do. Something I could really make happen for myself if I just chose to let go of a few things.
The thought frightened me. I can recall becoming overheated at the thought of “giving up” my life, my job, and my home. All of a sudden it was as though a voice came and spoke to me saying “Is this what you really want to do? Why are you holding on?” Why was I holding on? Hmmm...
Suddenly our conversation changed and I wanted to go to Ghana. When I told him I wanted to come there and live for 6 to 12 months he was very excited and said he could help me figure some things out so I could make it happen for myself. At the time I still was not sure if it was feasible and I had many more questions I would need to ask before I set out on a campaign to get myself to Ghana.
I was thinking about my job and my future plans, my family. I realized all those were things that would work themselves out and Ghana started to move from impossibility to an amazing possibility for my future.
I had a realization. What really frightened me was this idea of not doing what I was “supposed to do”. I had this feeling of being “crazy” for actually following my dream. I was worried about not doing what people “thought” I “should” be doing and therefore should not go to Ghana just as a few years ago I “should not” have wanted to go to Kenya. This time I didn’t internalize it or make other people’s thoughts and feelings about my life my own. I had my own thoughts and feelings and those were what was most important for me at the time.
So I began to examine my life. What obligations did I have holding me that would potentially make Ghana something I shouldn’t do right now? I had student loans but those could be deferred seeing as I wouldn’t have an income while I’m gone. I don’t own a house or a car. I am not married and I don’t have any children. The next thought brought me to my job.
I had worked coordinating a sexual health counseling program for black men who have sex with men for over a year. The truth is the program was very stressful for me from the beginning and for some time I had felt like my life had become stagnant as a result of me remaining in that position. But I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do with my life and I was afraid to take any risks.
But it was more than fear as it related to my professional life. Here is where we come to what I was speaking of at the beginning of this blog. My personal identity had become dangerously intertwined with my professional identity. I no longer felt I would be Austin unless I was successful at making my numbers and creating a great program.
The thought of leaving gave me anxiety and that is where the fear about Ghana originated. The idea of leaving my job and exploring Ghana meant for me that I was going to have to stand on my personal identity without the professional identity I created.
For years I said “I am an HIV prevention educator” or “I am a health educator” but those were what I did for work. Those were not my identity. I had to take a moment and look at myself as a person irrespective of my professional identity. I realized I had to know within myself that who I am without any position, without being attached to any person, without being attached to anything really was and is just fine.
I still wasn’t sure that I was going to go to Ghana. I had a vacation coming from work. I was going to my niece’s high school graduation in Ohio and afterward I was going to get a week to just be at home in Seattle on vacation.
I was only in Ohio a few days when I realized it was the best decision for me. As I wrote and thought about it more and more I had a peace associated with Ghana that I did not have with not making it happen.
Even with this peace there were still fears within me. But I realized there was a bigger fear that had now surfaced within me. That bigger fear was one of NOT going to Ghana. The possibility Ghana created in me made me terrified to accept my life as it was. I could no longer just sit and not do something that would move me to a position of exponential personal growth.
I decided to make Ghana happen by working different odd jobs as many hours as possible. Jobs that didn’t cause me any stress, but allowed me to just come to work, do what I’m paid to do and leave. My current job was not going to allow that to happen and I also feared the stress caused by my job would interfere with my fundraising/saving for Ghana. So I decided to take a risk with hopes it would push me further into what I needed to do.
It made me think about the show DVD series Planet Earth I watched earlier this year. When they were talking about the grasslands they also talked about the importance of fire. In order for there to be new growth in the grasslands sometimes everything has to be burned away. In this burning process the heat from the fire activates new seeds and the grasses return in greater numbers than they had before the fire. The amount of growth needed cannot be achieved without a fire of some kind.
Along this same line my life needed to experience a jolt or a “fire” if you will to create the growth I really needed to make Ghana happen. Some sort of personal pressure needed to come in to move me forward.
I still felt bad about leaving my job even as my last day came in mid July. One day towards the end I was trying to do as much as I could so I would not be painted as some horrible person, a “deserter” who left the job and didn’t finish out the year. But then I realized that I had done a good job. I had done the job I was given and that’s all I could say. I did the best I could do and however the story is written about me inside those walls after I left could no longer mean anything to me. It was time to go.
I feel as though this was part of my fire experience. Since I have been off work so to speak I have actually been working. I’ve been working at a gym, working in HIV prevention for another agency, and I even spent some time doing grunt work making bookmarks for a bookmark company in Seattle. In my free time I have also been able to come up with ideas for my fundraising.
One of my fundraising ideas was to sell water during Seattle’s Gay Pride Parade. My friends Andrew, Kelly, Garland, and Gary agreed to help me. I bought 10 cases of water from QFC for $30. We went down to 4th avenue and sold the water for $2 a bottle. We sold about 7 cases of it and made a little over $430. All of this money was able to go toward my trip to Ghana.
Andrew, Kelly and I were the sales people on the streets with coolers filled with water. Gary and Garland helped me with the actual water by putting it in coolers and storing in Gary’s hummer at the parade halfway point so we could get there easily to refill our coolers when we ran out of water. It was an amazingly organized system and I never would’ve been able to do it without my amazing team who helped out. I am forever thankful to all of you for taking your time to help me out with the water that weekend. Andrew, Kelly and I as the sales people decided to dress the same wearing white tank tops and jeans with rainbow feather boas. We didn’t get a picture of all of us together but Beautiful Kelly got a picture of herself in hers. Here it is:
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| From Blog Photos |
Isn’t she gorgeous? She really is a beautiful woman inside and out but that’s another blog. Andrew looked gorgeous as well. Hell we all did that’s why we sold the so much water. ;) A few people wanted more than some water from us I’m sure but that was all they were getting for $2. I think each of us would definitely charge much more than that.
There are some other fundraising ideas I have that I will write about also as they come together. Now I have the time to really spend properly planning and really making things happen as they are supposed to so I can get to Ghana.
So the next question is why is this blog titled “Journey of Ammaya”? I’m glad you asked me. So I have created a word Ammaya. What does the word mean? Well it has two parts. Both parts share the 2nd “a” of the new word. The four letters in the first word of this new word are my four initials A.M.M.A. They stand for Austin Marcus McGee Anderson. My middle name, Marcus McGee, is my grandfathers first and last name. So the first part of this new word is me. Just me. The second part of the word is Aya. Aya is a West African Adinkra symbol. You can see it below:
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| From Blog Photos |
This is a symbol of endurance and resourcefulness.
Here’s what the website http://www.adinkra.org/ says about the symbol
“The fern is a hardy plant that can grow in difficult places. An individual who wears this symbol suggests that he has endured many adversities and outlasted much difficulty.” (Willis, The Adinkra Dictionary)
I identify with this symbol greatly. It is actually a symbol I plan to get tattooed on my back between my shoulder blades. I have really liked this symbol for some years. The look of it and what it means.
So I took my initials amma + aya and I created Ammaya. So the word is really me. This is also why this blog is My Journey. Through this blog that is what I hope you get to experience with me as I share: my journey. Thank you for reading and I am excited about this new chapter. Keep reading there is definitely more to come.
;)
